Discernment

Frustration enters Jason’s and Charlotte’s marriage.

Jason and Charlotte have been married for nine years. Over the last two years, there has been an increase in the number of times that they have argued about finances, lack of affection, fair housework division, and how to rear their two children.

Feeling underappreciated causes resentment to grow inside Charlotte. Jason has been coming home and asking Charlotte what she has been doing all day because the house is a mess; their two kids are coloring the carpet with their markers.

Charlotte has been getting more and more frustrated because she works full time as a nurse, and it is not like Jason has helped around the house.

The frustration turns to doubt.

Charlotte’s thoughts create dread. She thinks, “If I am that horrible of a wife and mother, why don’t we go our separate ways?”

She feels like divorce is the only way to fix things but gets sick to her stomach about leaving Jason. She still loves him but is not sure if she is in love with him.

While Charlotte hates the idea of divorce, she has thought that divorce is the only way things will ever get better.

“I promised myself that I would not become my parents and get divorced, but what else can I do?”

Charlotte looks for an alternative.

While looking on the web about divorce, Charlotte comes across an article about Discernment counseling.

After reading about Discernment counseling, Charlotte thinks to herself, “This is Jason and me. We don’t know if divorce is right for us, but we also don’t know if we can stay married. I think I am the leaning-out partner, and he is the leaning-in partner.”

After thinking about Discernment, Charlotte feels a spark of hope because this type of counseling provides an alternative to getting divorced.

“I want to find out if this marriage is salvageable or if divorce is the answer to our problems.”

That night, Charlotte talks to Jason about going to Discernment counseling.

What is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is a short-term therapy (five sessions or fewer) designed to help couples on the brink of divorce gain clarity and confidence about deciding on a direction for their marriage.

Couples decide whether they’d like to stay in the marriage as-is, pursue a divorce, or reconcile and repair the relationship.

What makes Discernment counseling powerful is that it meets spouses where they are.

This form of counseling honors the fact that one spouse is “leaning out” or unsure of the marriage while the other spouse is “leaning in” or wanting to make the marriage work.

Couples openly explore their problems.

Discernment counseling lasts up to five sessions. At the end of every session, the couple decides whether they’d like to return for the next session.

In each session, the counselor meets with the couple for about 45 minutes. Then, each partner meets individually with the counselor for about 30 minutes.

Most couples find the format of both conjoint and individual sessions quite relieving and useful because it allows them to bring up issues together and discuss how they feel about them.

Individually, they explore how they contributed to the problem and what they need to correct the problem.

Many factors lead couples to consider divorce.

Nobody gets married hoping to be divorced one day.

Unfortunately, people change. When hardships occur, many couples find themselves faced with deciding if divorce is the next step for them.

The reasons couples consider divorce may be as simple as personality conflicts that seem irreconcilable to cases of abuse.

Some of the most common reasons people divorce include…

Financial difficulties: If spouses have different opinions or values regarding the use and management of money, it causes a great deal of strain on a marriage. When spending is out of control, it leads to the loss of automobiles or homes or the inability to pay monthly expenses, which increases the tension between spouses.

Children from previous relationships: Even though many people may not freely admit it, there is usually a significant difference in how individuals treat their children versus how they react to and relate with children that belong to someone else. Children from a previous relationship make establishing parent-child roles and enforcing rules difficult.

Ineffective communication: Often, spouses don’t know how to communicate unless they are arguing. Suppose one spouse prefers to talk calmly and rationally, and the other does not know how to control their emotions to support effective communication. In that case, it creates significant disruptions in the relationship.

Lack of sexual intimacy: Men and women often view sexual intimacy differently. Religion and cultural norms also play a factor in the differences of opinion that spouses have regarding intimacy. When one spouse feels deprived sexually, it leads to anger and increased frustration.

Extramarital affairs: Loss of trust resulting from an unfaithful spouse makes it challenging to rebuild a healthy relationship. Even the most loving and understanding person will find himself wondering if another affair will happen or can begin to question even the other spouse’s most innocent behaviors

What happens in Discernment counseling?

Every session of divorce Discernment counseling may vary, but they have similar themes.

For example, the sessions may begin with the therapist meeting with each person individually. The individual may speak about their feelings about the marriage and goals for the sessions. After meeting with each spouse separately, the Discernment counselor will meet with the couple together.

During the sessions, the counselor will ask quite a few questions about the couple’s relationship.
Do you want to end the relationship? If you do, what was the reason, or what were the reasons?
Have you done anything to fix the relationship? If so, what have you tried? Do you have children? If so, do they factor at all into your decisions? Tell me about the good times in the relationship.

Successful Discernment counseling occurs when the couple decides the future of their marriage. Some couples choose to engage in marriage counseling to save the marriage, while others prefer to end the marriage.

Discernment counseling promotes open discussion.

Discernment counseling creates an environment of patience that allows both spouses the opportunity to process their feelings while setting a positive tone for their future relationship, married or not. Taking the time to consider all options and process thoughts and feelings is especially important when children are involved.

Because discernment counseling allows the couple to discuss their current feelings and explore their concerns and expected needs for the future, they may benefit from this type of counseling, even if one or both spouses decide that the relationship should end.

Discernment counseling offers couples a chance to reflect upon the things they think are positive and negative about their marriage and consider what changes will help prevent the loss of their current marriage or any future relationship.

Counseling enhances objectively exploring options.

Finding an experienced counselor to help identify the relationship’s negative issues and explore potential solutions allows couples to discuss their feelings objectively.

This type of intervention is beneficial for couples with mixed agendas. For these couples, Discernment counseling helps reduce potential conflict between partners. If they decide to separate, counseling possibly eases the strain of their separation.

Discernment counseling allows couples to identify the major conflicts within their relationship. If they choose to pursue marriage counseling, they may find that communication is less of a struggle after Discernment counseling. Identifying conflicts before engaging in marriage counseling is helpful because each partner learns to focus on what they can do to help improve the relationship.

Couples who take part in discernment counseling and decide that divorce is the best option may find that settling issues related to divorce are more manageable than those who do not experience Discernment counseling. By settling problems peacefully, the impact on physical and emotional health becomes more positive and may help prevent financial hardships occurring after the divorce.

Follow the lead of Charlotte and Jason.

When your relationship falters and divorce becomes a possibility, Discernment counseling provides a safe and effective means of addressing what is causing the rift between you and your partner.

My role as your counselor is to provide an objective platform where meaningful discussions occur. These discussions promote the discovery of the underlying problem or problems causing conflict and dissatisfaction.

Let’s work together, so your decision-making leads to a more straightforward path and minimizes conflict.