Recovery from Affair

Michael’s infidelity was no longer secret.

My husband, Michael, and I were lying on the couch seven months after we were married. He served in the Navy for the last three years and was due to deploy in a few weeks. As we were cuddling together, a random number texted him, and he quickly got off the couch to respond to the message.

I thought it was odd that he left the room to text the number back. When I asked, he said it was one of his naval buddies wanting to get together. I had seen the message, and it was someone asking him if he was free that night. 

Since he often went out with friends from the Navy, I thought nothing of it. Michael told me he had to meet his friend Joel at the bar, and his friend was having a rough night. Michael said he would be home later. If it got too late, he would spend the night at Joel’s house.

I trusted my husband, and everything was fine until later that night when Joel showed up at the house asking if Michael was home. I immediately went to the bar and found my husband laughing with a young blonde hanging all over him. I lost it and confronted him at the bar when he leaned over and kissed her.

Getting beyond Michael’s unfaithfulness is emotionally taxing.

I know I love my husband; he is my best friend and life mate. I am hurting so much and am so confused over how this could happen.

I have horrible memories of seeing my husband kissing this woman. I have nightmares and flashbacks of that night.

One minute, I am outraged, pissed, and angry at my husband. Then, I am overcome with overwhelming sadness and worry. I feel like I cannot trust him but desperately want to.

I want to get over these feelings and am tired of being upset and angry every day; I am so tired. I want to get back to the way things were before he had an affair.

Recovery from an affair is hard.

After an affair has happened, the challenge becomes recovery.

Is it possible to put the past behind you when the past includes you or your partner’s affair?

Recovery after upsetting events is a skill set that all couples need – one that they especially need to use after the trauma of infidelity.

The good news is that full recovery, even after long-standing or multiple affairs, is possible. Ideally, recovery ends up with everyone having learned and grown.

Openness helps with recovery for the Deceiver.

The Deceiver, partner who had an affair, must End the affair because the relationship needs to have all ties cut with the affair partner. If the Deceiver does not end the affair, there is little to no chance for the marriage to survive.

Complete transparency needs to occur. Get past your defensiveness and shame to be fully transparent about what happened. You will need to answer the same question repeatedly, acknowledge where mistakes were made, and take ownership of your actions.

Offer full access to your cell phone, email, computer, social media accounts, and text messages. Recovery is not about healing the damage done to the sexual and emotional agreements but includes the dishonesty toward your relationship and partner.

Soul searching and being critical of what caused the mistakes is imperative. How did the affair happen? When were decisions made to violate your marriage promises? What problems or concerns in the marriage lead to seeking comfort outside the marriage? All these questions need careful examination.

Deceiver – explore your relationship.

Understanding and clarifying personal decisions and problems in the marriage need to be explored by both partners.

Become aware of the deeper problems within yourself and your marriage and commit to making active changes.

You need to understand if there was a long-standing sense of inadequacy that the affair partner soothed.

Did underlying anger regarding your partner cause your marital distance? Was there insufficient prioritizing of the marriage?

The Deceived needs to heal from the betrayal.

Recovery for the Deceived begins with healing the pain caused by the marital breach itself. Healing begins when the Deceiver expresses genuine compassion for the pain that the betrayal has caused.

Demonstrating real empathy over the pain and hurt created by the Deceiver helps prevent long-term resentment by the betrayed partner.

Over time, the betrayed spouse/partner needs to explore their feelings of shock, rage, hurt, confusion, sadness. A safe place allows the betrayed spouse/partner to be heard and listened to by the Deceiver.

Clarity regarding the how and why the affair happened needs exploration while using empathy and support.

Communication is essential.

Communication between both partners needs to occur in a safe and comfortable setting.

Both partners need to hear the growth and insight they have each gained and how they will prevent this from occurring in the future.

They need to explain their role in the affair and take responsibility for their actions.

The more aware the betrayed spouse becomes in the role they contributed to the affair paradoxically, it helps the relationship recover faster.

Is recovery occurring?

The key sign of positive recovery is when the couple sees the affair will ultimately lead to better lives for both, even though it was painful and mistaken.

Recovery for the marriage hopefully includes a radical marriage upgrade.

The odds of recovery increase when – spouses learn to communicate more sensitively, listen with respect, talk about tough issues without anger or criticism, share more positively, and enjoy each other with smiles, hugs, fun times together, and regaining sexual pleasure. When this occurs, the post-affair marriage will end up being more gratifying for both partners than the pre-affair relationship.

Does counseling help with recovery?

The aftermath of betrayal can be long and painful. Healing after an affair might seem to be a harrowing task.

Working with a trained counselor helps with surviving infidelity.

Counseling is an effective way to recover after an affair. Through counseling, both partners regain trust in one another.

So, if you ask, does a marriage survive infidelity, or does marriage counseling work in healing from infidelity in marriage? The answer is yes, but only if you are determined to do the work!

Reach out to me now.