Sex Therapy

No Sex Before Marriage

Francesca and Emile met 11 months ago and quickly fell in love; they have been married for three months.

Francesca grew up in a highly religious family. Her parents taught her that sex was “for conception” along with the idea that “wanting to have sex before marriage is a sin, and no one will ever marry a girl who is damaged goods.” Throughout her life, Francesca’s church reinforced this message.

Both Emile and Francesca agreed to wait and not have sex until after marriage. Emile stated, “I wanted to support and respect Francesca and her desire to wait until after marriage.”

They both admitted, “There were a lot of times we wanted to go further and have sex because we felt it was normal in a relationship.”

Marriage does not guarantee a positive sexual relationship.

After marriage, things between Emile and Francesca were good for a few weeks. The two of them could not keep their hands off each other, and both reported that sex “was one of the greatest moments that brought the two of us together.”

Everything seemed fine for a while. Lately, however, Francesca has been struggling with being intimate with Emile.

She complains she feels uncomfortable with requests by Emile for oral or anal sex and mutual masturbation.

Francesca finally opened-up to Emile that sex has been painful for her and that while she loves Emile, she has been struggling to have sex for fun rather than bringing life into this world.

Then, the fighting started.

Two weeks ago, Emile and Francesca had their biggest fight when Emile jumped in the shower with his wife and sexually played with her.

Francesca freaked out and told Emile that he had no right to touch her like that, and if he did not stop pressuring her for sex, she would stay with her family.

After not talking to each other for over 24 hours, Francesca finally confessed that having sex makes her uncomfortable and scares her because “now it seems like anything and everything is good to do with sex,” and she is very confused.

Emile looked for answers.

Emilie went online out of frustration and some anger to prove that Francesca was wrong, and she should want to have sex just for pleasure and fun.

While looking at a few websites and filling out an online questionnaire, Emile noticed something about a counselor specializing in sex therapy.

After a lot of talking and discussion, Francesca reluctantly agreed to come to see the therapist.

She was scared about what would happen, and talking to a stranger about sex would make her very uncomfortable.

Therapy helped start the conversation.

During the intake and initial session, the counselor immediately noticed how uncomfortable Francesca appeared.

Knowing how uncomfortable it can be to discuss sensitive topics with a stranger, the counselor instantly moved toward mindfulness techniques. In the beginning, it used humor to help both Emile and Francesca relax.

After a few minutes of using deep-breathing exercises, both Emile and Francesca appeared much more relaxed.

Together, the therapist, Emile, and Francesca talked about the history of their relationship, religious beliefs, personal beliefs about sex, and the struggles that the couple was having in their relationship.

What is Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is simply a specialized way of treating sexual concerns from a psychological perspective, including addressing any mental health conditions that may relate to or arise from these concerns.

Sex therapy NEVER involves sexual contact or sexual behavior in front of the therapist.

A sex therapist supports a person with any issue related to sex and sexuality and explores sexuality, sexual identity, sexual orientation, gender identity, and general mental health issues associated with a healthy sexual life.

Sex therapy addresses…

General stress or anxiety around sex. Preoccupation with sexual concerns and anxiety only creates more stress about your sexual relationship.

Lack of desire or mismatched desires. You or your partner(s) may not feel as much sexual desire as you want, or you may not experience the same amount or frequency of passion.

Challenges with sexual arousal. You might have difficulty feeling aroused or achieving orgasm. You may experience orgasm sooner than you want. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation fall under this category.

Sex and/or pornography addiction. Not all sex therapists treat these conditions, but some are trained to help you deal with addictive behaviors relating to sex.

Issues relating to sexual trauma. Individuals or those who have been victims of sexual trauma often experience ongoing challenges around sex and sexuality. You can find more information about healing from sexual trauma here.

Challenges relating to sexual orientation or gender identity. If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual orientation or gender identity (coming out or facing discrimination, for example), these challenges may affect your sex life as well.

Painful intercourse. Though underlying medical issues can cause it, painful intercourse can sometimes be related to stress or anxiety around sex.

Body image or self-esteem issues. Especially in a culture that places a high value on sex appeal and physical attractiveness, issues around sex can challenge an individual’s sense of self-worth.

Sexual changes occur because of life’s circumstances. You might find that you need to approach sex differently because of having children, aging, a medical condition, or even just significant life changes like a new job or relocation.

Exploration of new sexual activities. You and/or your partner might be interested in exploring new sexual activities (such as non-monogamy) or trying out a new kink.

Feeling stuck or unsatisfied sexually. You might be in a rut and not sure why. Or you might be interested in exploring new sides of your sexuality and feel unsure of where to start.

What are sessions with me like?

In our first session, I will want to understand the context surrounding your concerns, including what is bothering you and what you want to be different.

Sometimes we focus on gaining skills for building pleasure and arousal, learning ways to manage anxiety (caused by performance anxiety around sex), and improving communication with your partner regarding what pleases you.

Education around anatomy, sexual functioning, and pleasure is essential.

And examining how a dependency on erotic sources for arousal (e.g., pornography) and masturbation may not be conducive to functioning with a partner.

Clients learn to understand the body-mind connection and what stimuli work for best.

We work on shifting sex from a performance and orgasm focus to an embodied experience where arousal and erections are free to ebb and flow.

We need to address underlying mental health concerns, related to anxiety or depression, which prevents you from feeling desirable.

Follow the lead of Emile and Francesca!

Problems with sexual issues impact relationships and create frustration for both partners.

Having an objective and attentive relationship with a professional sex therapist helps resolve many of the issues that sexual partners encounter.

Let’s work together and find a solution to what is keeping you apart.

Contact me today!